Lactose Tolerance

I've been thinking about cheesy songs recently. I've noticed that a lot of cheesy songs came from the seventies and eighties; although there was a lot of cheese in the sixties, it was often coated in enough sugar to qualify as something more digestible. I've made a list of six essential cheesy songs, but let me first explain the criteria of this list... The following will not necessarily be the most cheesy songs ever, for I'm sure there have been cheesier songs written, it's just that no one listens to them. Of course patriotic anthems are cheesy, but that's more like processed cheese. The type of cheese I'm talking about is blue brie - songs that, at the time of creation (the song's creation not THE creation of the world), were trying to be regular pop or rock songs, but have now given up on that and have matured into mouldy cheese - festering in the exposure of their true food group.

The thing that makes a "good" (and I'm not sure if that's the right word) cheesy song is the tune. I'm assuming there will be plenty of synth and white suits. But the thing that brings the following songs together, is that they have very memorable, catchy tunes. A tune that you might remember during the day, tricking you into thinking that the song it belongs to is actually a good one. You sing this song in your head and it almost becomes a guilty pleasure. Until at last you hear the song played in a waiting room, bus, or worst of all, you SEE IT on a late night TV promo for Forgotten Classics of the 70s. And then you remember how bad the song was and hope you never start humming it again. But you do.

So here's my top 6 essential cheesy songs:
(There's no order because they're all as bad as each other)

Baby I Love Your Way - Peter Frampton
The person responsible for uploading this song onto Ewe Tube, had the nerve to describe it as "a little fixer upper". This song does not fix anything.

All Out Of Love - Air Supply
For quite some time, I was under the impression that the chorus was sung by a girl. This film clip is an eye-opening experience. And isn't 'Air Supply' an atrocious name for a band?!

I Wanna Know What Love Is - Foreigner
I don't wanna know about this crusty guy's desire to know what love is. And I certainly don't want to show him.

Lady In Red - Chris De Burgh
There was a song we sang at Crossroads recently that sounded remarkably like this rotten song. At least, it had the same chorus. Not only was that a distraction to me at the time, it put this song in my head and it has stayed there for the last few weeks. Seriously, when I wake up I can't help but hear "laaaady in reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed".

I Just Called To Say I Love You - Stevie Wonder
Stevie Wonder has released some really cool songs. He also has done 'Ebony and Ivory', 'Isn't She Lovely' and this. I heard it in the super-market the other day and it was the perfect soundtrack for wandering around the aisles.

The Longest Time - Billy Joel
Billy Joel is a cheese factory masquerading as a rock legend. Surely this song is proof.

Top 5 Scottish bands

5. Travis
4. Simple Minds
3. The Jesus and Mary Chain
2. Teenage Fanclub
1. Belle and Sebastian

What d'you reckon?

Your bessht? Losers always whine about their bessht...

I think one of the secret ingredients to being a credible alternative pop band is to be Scottish. Just be from Scotland and sing with a slightly milder Scottish accent than what you would speak with, have lovely jangly guitars, understated lyrics and harmonic choruses. Have nice Scottish haircuts and wear scarfs and warm Scottish jackets. Don't wear a kilt, that's overdoing it. I think that guy from Korn wore a kilt, and you don't want that kind of look... Have a cute band name like "Travis" or "Belle and Sebastian".

Using that same secret ingredient, you can also become an over hyped, overplayed, top 40 rock band. Think of 'Snow Patrol', 'Idlewild' (is there any difference?) and 'Franz Ferdinand'.

I have created my own Scottish pop band (well it's just me and my imaginary friends), which I will unveil in a later post.

State Songs #3 - Arizona

By The Time I Get To Arizona - Public Enemy

This song is quite 'relevant', despite being released in 1991. It's about the State of Arizona's refusal to observe the Martin Luther King holiday - something Senator John McCain voted against. The song tells of a fictitious plan to assassinate the Governor of Arizona because of this seemingly racist political decision.

I reckon Public Enemy are classic. Their style (both musical and fashion) is very dated but somehow not daggy. They also managed to get away with creating extremely political songs without seeming fake.

For these state songs, I expected Arizona to produce a country ballad, or perhaps something more in the vain of 'southern rock' (although Arizona is more south-western)- not New York hip hop. In fact the song I initially thought of was Kings of Leon's 'Arizona' - the sound of that song makes me think of the desert. But the lyrics don't have much to do with Arizona at all.

That a Public Enemy song can be used to represent the State of Arizona, really typifies the contrast between many of the US states - in my mind, at least. New York seems like a completely different world to Phoenix, partly due to my ignorance but also because of the representation of these places in the media. I wonder if this 'gap' would be as noticeable if I actually went there...

Spice Girls and Pavarotti

Check out this performance of Pav and the Spice Girls. It's bizarre. It sounds like Pav is trying to blow them off the stage with a completely different song.

Emo

Angus shares the ingredients of a good emo song. I might try writing one sometime.

You should listen to...

Beth Orton - Central Reservation


This is a bit of an old favourite that I've been listening to heaps recently and have not yet gotten sick of. It's such a good album. Beth Orton is a talented songwriter but she also has such a mesmerising voice - it's very difficult to turn off her music. Maximum recommendations.