The Power Ballad

Phil suggested I do a post on power ballads. I had no hesitation. Actually, it turns out I did hesitate. That sentence was written about a week ago, whereas the sentence you're currently reading was written (hopefully) in the "present day". Who would've thought it possible to procrastinate in order to avoid doing a blog post! Anyway...

Picture, if you will, the lights gleaming on the beads of sweat, dripping from a generous amount of long blond curls. Chest hair and facial hair, entwined. The man (there's no doubting that's what he is), walks effortlessly and purposefully to the wooden bench, sits down and closes his eyes... That was the last time I used a public sauna. So, onto power ballads.

There is nothing quite like the sight of a grown, permed man wearing a skimpy lycra outfit, pouring his heart out to a mass of mullets in a stadium. The power ballad is usually packaged as a reflective interlude to the testosterone-charged, riff-laden ROCK that fills up the set list at the average stadium-rock concert. In the eighties. It's very easy to predict the structure of the song. It will begin with the soft, hopeful plucking of an acoustic guitar. If not, then probably the graceful, ambient chords of a synthesiser. If not, then certainly the restrained, minor-key melody of the piano. Probably a grand piano that looks hopelessly out of place, yet oddly suitable in the seedy surroundings of the film clip. The instrumental intro will lead into the opening verse up until the chorus, where the "power" part of the ballad rocks up. The guitars will become distorted, the vocals more aggressive, and the band members' hair will be tossed back to emphasise the poignancy of the moment. After this, expect a heartfelt guitar solo, climaxing in an even more high-pitched version of the chorus, presumably the pants are suddenly, somehow tightened at the crotch, at this point.

Europe's Carrie is a great example for the standard power ballad. Have a listen (and a look, if you have a strong stomach). If you listen carefully, it sounds like the singer is saying "Gary", instead of "Carrie". Or perhaps that happens if you listen carelessly. I'm not sure. Or it could just be me.

The most important aspect of the power ballad, is the outfit. Can you imagine how fun it must have been to be an eighties rockstar? "So should I wear the sleeveless denim jacket with the purple leather pants, or the velvet-lycra combo?"
"Why don't you wear the gold hotpants? You haven't pulled on those babies since the Eastern Europe tour in '84."
"Hey good call man, but what are you gonna wear?"
"Two words: Spandex. Jumpsuit."



What would you wear if you could be king or queen of the power ballad?

Never Mind the Buzzcocks

If you're not familiar with it, Never Mind the Buzzcocks is a British music-quiz show. It's similar to Spicks and Specks but 150, 000 times better (actually, NMTB was the inspiration behind S&S). There's much less focus on points and more on comedy. And the comedy is brilliant! How could it not be? Bill Bailey is one of the team captains. Much better than that New Zealander with the double chin. The host, Simon Amstell (and his predecessor) is funnier than Adam Hills as well.

Anyway, there are quite a few full episodes on YouTube. You have to watch them in 3 parts though. Here are the links to one of the funniest episodes episodes, I've seen:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Talent @ Xrds

We have some superb musicians at our church (Crossroads). Here is Nick performing the rather difficult Rachmaninov Etude Op. 33 No. 4

I know it wasn't meant to be funny...

...but P Diddy was hilarious at the "Concert for Diana" tonight.
He performed "I'll Be Missing You" and, in case his intention wasn't already obvious, he came loaded with emotive one-liners. "We miss you Diana", "make some noise if you miss Diana y'all" and (my favourite) "so beautiful...so graceful... so compassionate... so royal... incredible mother".

Trumpet Piece

Oh, look what I've found! It's the film clip to "Trumpet Piece" from the Calvin CD. Enjoy.

Dreaming of a Safe Place

Rarely does a classic of this magnitude slip under the critical radar to such an extent. Calvin Christian School's 1999 release Dreaming of a Safe Place is a true feast for the ears. I can't find any explanation as to why this little gem failed to put a dent in the musical world, let alone the Tasmanian scene. To my surprise, I couldn't even find any results for it on Google.

Most of the songs are quivery-voiced, off-key, Jewell-esque female piano ballads. The haunting "I Will Never Forget You" effortlessly blends into the joyous "Trumpet Piece", which is undoubtedly the album's pièce de résistance. The cleverly titled "Canever" echos Alanis Morissette's work (which may have been quite popular with year 11 girls at the turn of the millenium?), and is rumoured to be about drugs*.

Masterpiece has a new name and it's "Dreaming of a Safe Place". I can do no better than quote from the album's liner notes:
"Well done to the students who had their work included on this CD. You are an exceptionally talented group of people."

*I've heard that the girls responsible for "Canever" were expelled from the school (or given a "home school scholarship"), due to the ambiguity of the lyrics.

I can’t see you
I can’t feel you
I can’t live with you… for now

Junky in need of a score but rational enough to wait till payday.

But I hear you
And I know you
I see and feel the way you love me so
Love me
Love me
Love me

The familiar sensations of the hit begins to play on the imagination, leading the junky into a sense of desperation.

I will love you
Now I’ve found you
I will never turn away
My life’s your life
Give it to you
You can do with it what you want to
Love you
Love you

I see and feel the way

The drugs demand full control of the junky's life. She/he realises it's the only way forward now.

Man Playlist

For those going through "Man-o-pause"... I have found the cure. Thanks to all who gave suggestions.

I added some less manly songs just to balance out the testosterone.

1. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Suck My Kiss
2. Midnight Oil - My Country
3. Agnostic Front - Gotta Go
4. Queen - Don't Stop Me Now
5. Scissor Sisters - She's My Man
6. Men at Work - Down Under
7. Slim Dusty - Duncan
8. Cold Chisel - Khe Sahn
9. Belle and Sebastian - The State I Am In
10. Dr Dre - Bitches Ain't Sh@#
11. Australian Crawl - Boys Light Up
12. Jimmy Barns - Working Class Man
13. Louis Armstrong - What a Wonderful World (I'm still not convinced about this)
14. Village People - In the Navy

Coming to a Man Day near you.

Man, I feel like a woman

Over the last few days I've been feeling a little demasculated. I'm not entirely sure why...

I tried listening to some manly music, in the hope of re-claiming some of my stolen testosterone. So I rocked out to the tunes of Elton John and the Scissor Sisters...but to no avail.

I'm thinking of having a "Man day". During "Man day", I will listen to some of the manliest man-tunes I can get my manly hands on. The problem is, finding man-tunes is a lot harder than I first anticipated.

The most manly form of music I could think of (80s Hair metal), turned out to be...

...slightly less manly than I'd anticipated.

What do real men listen to? For some reason (goodness knows why), I own a CD called "The World's Best Ever Beer Songs". Needless to say, it's not very good. But are these "beer songs" the man-tunes I'd been searching for? Maybe, but I wish not to listen to awful, awful, awful songs like Copperhead Road and Mustang Sally. I'm beginning to suspect that a lot of the "best" (subjective, I know) music from the last 50 years, was not particularly manly. Bob Dylan and David Bowie, at times could be considered androgynous, certainly not afraid of make up. The Beatles loved matching outfits. Marvin Gaye's surname is "Gaye". Leonard Cohen could be considered by some as a slight pansy. And as for Frank Zappa...

...well.

He is quite hairy though, to be fair to him.

When I speak of man-tunes though, I am referring to overtly macho tunes (which I generally dislike) that will overcompensate for my drag queen adventures of the past week. I have been listening to some Rolling Stones and Bruce Springsteen, both of which I consider to be masculine.

I think that's been doing the trick, but can anyone recommend me some more man-tunes?
Happy "Man day" everyone.

Fantastic Imagary

You know those moments when you wake up to find your face smudged with purple eyeliner and lipstick, and there are two lemons in your bed? Well that was me yesterday morning. It took me a little while to remember why I resembled The Joker, after he fell into the acid. It was of course, because I went to Jolly's Eurovision party the night before.

I was most fortunate to have seen the highly acclaimed Hungarian transsexual PiPi perform her latest hit single "True Fantasy" with her band PiPi's Pretzels, in front of a somewhat bewildered audience.

Let me introduce the band members:


Sleazy Jim (Band manager)



The Cowboy


Curly Ju-Ju


PiPi


Madam A-Go Go


Eye-Candy Heinz


Together they are "PiPi's Pretzel".

I can't really comment on the actual Eurovision song contest because I was too busy trying on women's clothing while it was on...but I will say that I was very impressed by the Ukraine and France.

I'll leave you with the inspiring words from PiPi's hit song.

"People always judged me
when I walked the streets*
They think how I am on the outside
is how I want to be

But inside I am free -
to be me!"

*Literary scholars, music critics and fans have all speculated on the meaning of this line. Many books have been written about it. Is it just a straight forward, literal reference to walking down the street? Or could it be a passing hint at PiPi's rumoured career as a prostitute? Critical analysis of PiPi's lyrics have left many minds baffled but she is well known for her deep, multi-layered, poetic turn of phrase, which would point toward the latter interpretation. In her 1987 song "Don't be such a big girl", PiPi used this clever line to criticise the Hungarian Prime Minister Károly Grósz and his communist regime. A deeper look at the song, also indicated that PiPi was singing against hormonal increase in gender reassignment surgery (a worrying trend in late 80s Europe, which lead to many male-to-female transsexuals taking steroids to boost their testosterone levels after the operation, causing them to become larger than average ladies). So who was she really speaking to when she sang "Don't be such a big girl"? Her fellow Post-ops or the Prime Minister? It's not unfeasible to conclude that PiPi was singing about both these things. She has been quoted as saying "my art is for everybody...my transformation is my art". This makes things a little easier for us, when delving into the magical kingdom of double entendre and political opinion that are PiPi's lyrics.

Eurovision

The Eurovision Song Contest is on this weekend. It is a crack-up. I would very much like to be in it myself. I'll see if I can enter it next year, representing Wales (although I think they count Great Britain as one country. Ridiculous! If Luxembourg can enter why can't Wales?).

So I've created my Eurovision persona, taking inspiration from 1998's transsexual winner from Israel, Dana International.



Introducing PiPi: (pronounced Pee Pee)


Originally from Budapest, Hungary, PiPi hopes to enter the 2008 Song Contest with her song (Strengthen me)My Boulder of Love.



Born with the name Peter, "PiPi" underwent gender reassignment surgery in 1968 and has never looked back.



The above picture is the cover art for her forthcoming album, Gender Studies.

I hope to watch Eurovision on Sunday night so I might post a review of it next week.
If anyone is remotely freaked out by any of the above pictures, you can blame Jerome. He wanted me to post on Eurovision.

WeatherWatch

If you’re a late TV watcher, you will no doubt, have come across “WeatherWatch” on SBS. It’s not exactly the most…um…eventful of programs but if you are a keen follower of meteorology and/or an insomniac then it may just be your favourite show (I’m waiting for the DVD box set). It also happens to be the cultural hub of music in Australia. The likes of Norah Jones, Il Divo and Aled “it’s all gone wrong for me” Jones are all headline acts on the WeatherWatch stage. It’s a more soothing (or perhaps “numbing”) alternative to Rage. If you’ve got no idea what I’m talking about, it’s a map, much like the one pictured, accompanied by a CD that plays over and over again (Yes I have checked. They don’t change the CD when it finishes. Obviously there wasn’t much else on TV that night.). You can order the CD from Dymocks, if you really like it.

So far, I haven’t really been tempted to ring up the hotline and place an order. Only two albums have come close to making the grand claim of getting me to consider a purchase; one, a compilation of French Café tunes (I think it may have been titled French Café, appropriately enough), the other, Madeleine Peyroux’s album Half the Perfect World.


Madeleine is, in my opinion a “rich man’s Norah Jones” and her album contains delightful covers of Tom Waits’ (Lookin’ for) The Heart of Saturday Night and Joni Mitchell’s River, amongst others. I’d probably pick it up on special but not at Dymocks.

Have you ever watched WeatherWatch? Have you ever bought anything because of it? Or have you ever been turned on to some music from an unlikely source?

Soundtrack to War

What would you listen to if you were a soldier? I imagine iPods are discouraged from the trenches, but there must be some opportunity to listen to music whilst at war.

Last night, I watched part of the documentary Soundtrack to War, by George Gittoes. The film explores the influence of music amongst the soldiers fighting in Iraq. There was unsurprisingly, a lot of heavy metal and rap to be heard blasting from the tank stereo.
A lot of angry music, which I suppose, makes sense if you're trying to kill people. Unfortunately, none of the soldiers that were interviewed were listening to "wartime classics". You know, the type of music with crackly muted trumpets and quivery grandpa vocals. Surely it's the obvious choice if you're at war? "It's wartime and I'm in the mood for a classic...shall we put on some Slayer or...some wartime classics?"
"Fire up the gramophone old boy!"

I would like to do an experiment on the war in Iraq (well, any war will do). Ideally, I'd like to stop the war if I could, but an experiment will do for now. The experiment would involve: confiscating (or destroying) the soldiers' music collections and replacing them with some quality wartime tunes. Out with the Metallica rubbish and in with some George Gershwin (he's wartime isn't he?). I wonder what would happen... Perhaps the soldiers would become more relaxed, start slow dancing. Or maybe they would snap, due to Slipknot withdrawals and commit a few warcrimes. Hopefully it would be the former, for my sake. I'm not sure how feasible this experiment is. I'd want gramophones. If you're going to listen to wartime classics you've got to do it properly. My request would be a gramophone on top of each tank. I'd ban helicopters because they're too loud. I'd mute the guns. Of course you'd want the sound of gunfire in the background but it might overrule the sound of the classics. Surely I can't be the only one to think this is a great idea?
If you're not sold on it yet, have a listen to these wartime classics and then tell me you wouldn't like to hear them blasting out of a gramophone-mounted tank.
Andrews Sisters - Don't Sit Under The Apple Tree
Al Jolson - Four Leaf Clover/Babyface

And here is an article about Wagner's influence on Hitler.

Introduction

Hello to anybody that may be reading this. Yes, I have started a blog. A music blog, to be precise. I, like many people, listen to a lot of music and I find myself thinking a great deal about it. Recently I had a sudden urge to write these thoughts down and where better to do so than here? Part of the inspiration for this was from Nick Hornby's book '31 Songs' (a collection of essays about songs) which, upon reading it, drew from me the reaction that "this is exactly what I think about". I don't want to rip off the book though. I've credited it (and I recommend it - it's a good read) but hopefully there will be a limited number of suspicious parallels between Hornby's book and this blog.

I'm quite self-conscious about writing a blog. In fact I can't even type the word "blog" without experiencing an internal cringe. I actually had to re-type the word just then; due to the cringe...I'd initially typed "lbog" which I believe is French (L'Bog - literally "a lake of poo"). Anyway, the point is that I'm a little bit ashamed of myself for starting a blog, a feeling that will either disappear or get worse as I continue (I've already been completely ridiculed for this blog, even before I'd finished the first post! If anyone sees Tim Hansard, give him a swift kick to the buttocks). I'm not going to write about myself - there are more than enough of these types of blogs at the moment. I'm not planning to get an Internet girlfriend/boyfriend/transgenderedfriend. No, this blog will be about music; my reflexions on different songs, artists, styles and anything else that falls within this framework.
Please leave comments if you like!